


The First Step

by oldmountainsoul



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Apologies, Catharsis, Comfort/Angst, F/F, It's Gonna Hurt But In A Hopeful Way, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 00:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17011656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldmountainsoul/pseuds/oldmountainsoul
Summary: Adora never wanted to hurt Catra. It's just what she's ended up doing every time they've met since she left the Horde. But maybe, just maybe, this time she can start to make things right between them.





	The First Step

Adora sighed, dropping the She-Ra form and sheathing her sword, one arm still across Catra's collarbone to keep her pinned up against the tree.

 

History had repeated itself yet again; the Horde had attacked, Catra had shown up to goad Adora away, and once again, Adora had let herself be blinded by (.... Rage? Passion? ....something else?) and just followed her singlemindedly.

 

The Rebellion could stand on its own now during a fight, and if she... If she was the one fighting Catra, she could make sure Catra was never too seriously hurt.

 

Because things like Catra's safety and Catra's well-being and Catra's dumb smirk still mattered to her, even though Catra had more than made it clear to her that she would never feel the same again. That had been made clear after how many times she'd outright attempted to kill her, if not just left her to die.

 

The latter felt worse, in some ways. That Catra could just leave her.

 

But wasn't that just a taste of her own medicine at this point?

 

Adora had left first.

 

She hadn't meant to, but she had.

  


"I'm sorry," Adora sighed, pulling back and letting go.

 

Catra didn't move from the tree, only hunched her shoulders, watching Adora warily with her claws ready to strike at the slightest provocation.

 

When Adora didn't move, Catra snarled, shoving the other girl away from her.

 

"What the fuck do you mean, 'you're sorry?'" she snapped. "You're sorry _now_?"

 

"I've always been sorry!" Adora yelled back.

 

They just glared angrily at each other for a few moments, until Adora's shoulders slumped, all the fight gone out of her. She didn’t want to fight Catra. She’d never wanted to fight Catra.

 

"I've always been-- I know I've always let you down. Ever since we were kids. And then I just--I left. Without you, and without even considering the consequences. What you said in the.... in the temple, with Light Hope... It was right. You were right."

 

Adora amended that statement. "You were right about the Horde. And you were right about me. I don't think--I don't think what you're doing right now is right. But I think I understand why you're doing it now, at least better than I did then. I know you don't want my protection--you don't need it. You're stronger than me, Catra. You always have been."

 

"What are you trying to do? Is this just some sort of game to you? A trap?" Catra retorted, leaping up into the tree Adora’d had her pinned against earlier, scanning around the woods for any sign of danger.

 

"No! Gods, no, Catra. You know I'm not smart enough for that."

 

Catra snorted. "Damn right you're not," she said, her tone softening, though she was still tensed to strike, her tail swishing back and forth threateningly up in the tree.

 

Adora sighed. "Look, can I come up? Can we just... talk? For old time's sake?"

 

Catra's eyes narrowed. "You're the reason we aren't still in those ‘old times,’ Adora," she said coldly.

 

"I know. Can we talk anyway? Look," Adora took the sword off her shoulder and threw it to the ground. "No tricks, no She-Ra. Just me."

 

Catra didn’t say anything to that, but she didn’t move to stop her, either, so Adora started climbing.

 

"Hey,” Adora said when she finally reached the branch. Catra simply grunted in response.

 

Taking any response as a good sign, Adora carefully scooted closer. “I never meant to hurt you,” she said softly, looking up to meet Catra’s wary gaze. “I know that doesn’t excuse any of it. But it’s the truth.”

 

Catra scoffed, but didn’t stop her, so Adora barreled on.

 

“I know I hurt you. Badly. I let myself be blinded by Shadow Weaver’s lies. I let myself believe that she was hurting us,” Adora paused, then glanced guiltily over at Catra. “...mostly you, really, to try and make us better. I let myself believe that because it was so much _easier_ to believe that than to challenge my assumptions or you know...”

Adora snorted this time. “Try to protect you in ‘any way that mattered.’”

 

Catra’s eyes narrowed in recognition, but she still remained silent.

 

“I let myself believe all the lies the Horde told us, that it was worth it, what Shadow Weaver was doing, because it was for the greater good and that it was going to make us strong enough to change the world.”

 

“It did make me stronger,” Catra snapped. “And I didn’t need you to protect me. I still don't.”

 

Catra spun around, facing away from Adora. “I don’t need you anymore,” she added softly, so low that Adora could barely hear it.

 

“I know,” Adora replied. “You really don’t need me. And yeah, maybe you never did. But we were just _kids,_ I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know much more than that you didn’t deserve the way Shadow Weaver treated you--not enough to stop it, or if I even _could_ stop it, Catra.”

 

Catra whirled back around, shoulders hunched and her fur standing on end. “Is that what you think all of this is about? What, that all of this is because Shadow Weaver threw me around like a fucking rag doll when we were kids but never laid a finger on you?” she snapped.

 

Adora waited before she responded, making sure Catra had nothing left to say. “No, but it’s… It’s part of it, isn’t it? You don’t hate me because I left the Horde. You hate me because I left _you._ ”

 

“I don’t….” Catra’s words died in her throat. She shook her head furiously. “You promised. You fucking _promised,_ Adora, that we would always have each other’s backs. And all it took was a sparkly sword and some shiny little new friends you only knew for a few measly little hours and you just _left me.”_

 

“I didn’t mean to leave you. I did, and I have offered to take you with me. Several times. But that’s never going to be enough. I’ve realized that now.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Catra huffed, turning back around. “And what do you think is _ever_ going to be enough? Because there’s nothing that you can say or do here that will--”

 

“I love you.”

 

Adora didn’t move, didn’t reach out to her or beg for Catra to give her a chance. She just offered up her feelings, and then she waited.

 

Waited the several agonizing seconds-that-felt-like-hours as Catra’s facade dropped in shock as the other girl tried to process what Adora had just said.

 

“You _what?”_ Catra ground out from between her teeth.

 

“I love you, Catra,” Adora repeated, offering her a small smile. “I love you. And I think I always have, since before I even knew what the words were. Long before I knew what ‘love’ was supposed to look like, supposed to _feel_ like.”

 

Catra’s eyes started welling up with tears that she hastily, angrily wiped away.“You think you can just-- that you can just come to me and say this now, and it’ll make everything okay?” she demanded.

 

“No,” Adora said honestly. “I don’t.” She sighed softly, not in exasperation, or at least, not in exasperation at Catra, but at herself. “I’ve learned a lot here, Catra. I’ve learned that.... Love isn’t something that works like that. It just… offers a _reason_ for me to work towards that. I love you, and so I want to make things right with you. I want to understand you, all of you. Even the parts of you that probably hate me right now. I want to understand, Catra. And I want to never hurt you again.”

 

“Good fucking luck with that, princess,” Catra snorted.

 

Adora laughed softly. “You’re right. We’re on opposite sides of a war. We _are_ going to end up hurting each other. But that isn’t going to change what I want, or how I feel about you.”

 

Adora continued. “I think you’re strong, and smart, and amazing. I still don’t think you’re a bad person, even after all you’ve done…. to my friends, and to me, and to the people of Etheria. I think you don’t hate me either, even though it would be so much easier for you if you did.”

 

She paused. “I know everything would be so much easier if I did,” Adora added quietly.

 

“What makes you think I don’t hate you, huh?” Catra said, suddenly flipping over Adora’s head and landing behind her, her claws springing out and trailing across Adora’s throat as she yanked on Adora’s chin. “You threw your weapon away, stupid. I could kill you right now if I wanted to.”

 

Adora took a deep breath. ….Took several deep breaths, actually. “I’m not going to play your games, Catra," she said, forcing herself to keep her voice even.

 

“What part of ‘I could kill you right now’ sounds like a game to you, Adora?” Catra snarled, dragging her claws, featherlight, across Adora’s pulse point.

 

In her head, Adora knew that Catra was bluffing, was toying with her, testing her, knew that she wasn’t really in any danger. It didn’t keep the bile from rising in her throat, or keep her pulse from racing or her hands from getting clammy with icy cold sweat. But she knew it.

 

Adora reminded herself to breathe. She could do this. “It’s always a game to you, Catra. It’s how you cope with things, throwing up walls and making threats like this. And that’s okay,” she said calmly.

 

Catra scoffed and held the position for a few seconds longer before roughly pushing Adora away and leaping back over Adora to her former perch, facing away from her.

 

“Being with the princesses has made you fuckin’ weird, Adora,” she grumbled.

 

Adora smiled. There was the Catra she knew, the Catra she grew up with, the Catra she fell in love with. “Being Force Captain’s been good for you,” she commented.

 

“...Second in command now, actually,” Catra corrected, climbing to her feet. “I finally gave Shadow Weaver the fucking ass-kicking she’s always had coming. Now I’m in charge of it, second only to the big man himself,” she said excitedly.

 

“That’s…” _Wonderful,_ Adora almost said, stopped by her conscience providing the fact that this was the _Horde_ that Catra was talking about, and that being Hordak’s second made Catra responsible for so, so, _so_ much destruction. “...impressive,” she amended. “You always were the smart one.”

 

“Yeah, ‘cause it sure wasn’t _you,_ you dumb fucking jock,” Catra replied, whirling back to face Adora so she could shove her playfully. Like they always used to do.

 

“I’ve just always preferred to face my problems head on,” Adora protested, secretly ecstatic that Catra was behaving like herself again. But then she stopped, remembering what her real purpose was. Not to just have a single moment, where they both could just pretend that everything was different between them, but to make _progress,_ real, lasting progress in her relationship with Catra.

 

Adora sighed, running her hand through her ponytail as she tried to find the right words to say. “That… didn’t always work out. It’s not something I can really do anymore, it usually does more harm than good. Gods, I’m so tired of doing more harm than good, Catra.”

 

“I don’t care about your stupid problems. What do you _really_ want to talk about, Adora?” Catra asked suspiciously.

 

“Us. Me. You. Mostly you,” Adora said.

 

Catra grunted. “What’s there left to say? _You’re_ not coming back with me, even if you begged me to take you right now. And _I’m_ not going anywhere near your fucking pixie castle. You’re still the jerk who left me, and I’m the jerk in charge who’s going to crush you like a fucking bug, Adora.”

 

“You’re right. About all of those things, probably. You’ve always been right. I should have acknowledged that before. I’m sorry I didn’t. You absolutely could squash me like a bug. Honestly, you’d be well within your rights to.”

 

Catra’s tail swished back and forth, her eyes still narrowed at Adora. “But?”

 

“But that’s not what either of us want to happen, is it?” Adora pressed, scooting forward just enough so that she was in Catra’s reach, setting her hand down on the branch between them, just short of taking Catra’s hand in her own.

 

“You’re better off in the Horde without me. I wish that wasn’t the case, not because I don’t want you to do well, but because you’re too good for them. And if you stay with them, a lot of people are probably going to die. Good people. Innocent people. Because that’s what the Horde does, and with you in charge, it’s going to be better than ever at it. And I wish you weren’t, because you deserve so much better than the Horde.”

 

“If you’re just going to preach at me, I’m just going to go. I have _innocent people_ to murder, apparently,” Catra grumbled.

 

“Wait,” Adora pleaded, grabbing Catra’s hand as she prepared to spring away. “Please, just hear me out. I’m not here to condemn you; you _know_ I’m not saying anything you didn’t already know. You’ve always known what the Horde is like. I was the one who didn’t.”

 

Catra sighed and sat back down. “You always were a dense motherfucker.”

 

“Guilty as charged,” Adora said with a sad smile. “Hopefully not as dense now, though. Hear me out?”

 

“When have I ever been able to keep you from doing anything?” Catra grumbled, and Adora had to _seriously_ fight the urge to reach out and nuzzle Catra’s ears affectionately.

 

“You didn’t hate me because I left the Horde. You hate that I left the Horde for strangers, and not for you. Because I couldn’t deal with the Horde hurting ‘innocent people,’ when for our entire lives up til that point, I’d let the Horde hurt _you._ I all but slapped you in the face and said that you weren’t enough anymore. Not to stay for, not to fight for, not to protect,” Adora’s face fell. “Not to keep a promise to.”

 

Adora took a deep breath. “Catra, I didn’t leave the Horde because you weren’t a good enough reason for me to stay. I left because I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and say what the Horde did to _both_ of us was worth it, because I couldn’t pretend it was for a good cause anymore. I couldn’t have that selfish belief anymore, so I selfishly asked you to come with me because you were always smarter than me; if I couldn’t believe it anymore, then you couldn’t have, either.”

 

Catra still didn’t make a move to respond, only watched her with silent, wary eyes, so Adora barreled on with her speech.

 

“But I didn’t realize that you’d never believed what I believed--you never believed the _Horde_ was worth it. You believed that _I_ was. That _our promise_ was. And then the first opportunity I got, I broke that promise to you. And for that I am truly, deeply sorry.”

 

Adora bowed her head. “I was wrong. All my life, I was _wrong,_ and I was selfish, and I was short sighted. And I let that get in the way of my relationship with the person who has always been most important to me.”

 

Adora glanced over at Catra, who glared at her from over her knees, which she had hugged to her chest. “That’s you by the way, Catra. It’s always been you. That’s never changed, and it isn’t going to. Not ever.”

 

Catra snorted, turning away and staring down at the ground. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Adora. Oh wait, then _you_ shouldn’t be making promises at all.”

 

Adora’s face fell. “Maybe you’re right. But I don’t think so, not this time. I love you, Catra. And I’m going to fight for you. And probably going to fight _with_ you. A lot. Until this is all over, neither of us are ever going to be happy, ever going to be able to believe in each other. But it is going to be over someday.”

 

“Yeah, when I tear your stupid face off and grind your Rebellion into the dust,” Catra muttered.

 

“Maybe so,” Adora said mildly. “But when it’s over, really, truly over, and all is said and done, when there’s no more Horde, or no more Rebellion, I’m still going to love you. And I am still going to find you. And I am still going to try and reach you. And I am going to try and make up for all the times that I’ve let you down before. So when all of this is over, will you let me talk with you like this again? Please?” she begged.

 

Catra simply stared at her, an unreadable look on her face. Finally, she shifted, and in the blink of an eye she was up in Adora’s face, yanking the other girl by her ponytail and roughly kissing her breathless.

 

“You’re an idiot. And I still don’t like you. But… we’ll see. We’ll see if maybe you can fucking keep your promises for once,” Catra muttered, resting her forehead against Adora’s.

 

And then she was gone as quickly as she came, leaping out of the tree into the night and shoving Adora off the branch for good measure.

 

“Unf!” Adora grunted, all the air knocked out of her chest as her back slammed into the ground, giddy with relief that she had finally managed to _talk_ to the girl she loved, even if it ended in what were sure to be some _nasty_ bruises in the morning.

 

Maybe it would never be enough. But for tonight at least, it was a step in the right direction.

 


End file.
